Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice on a unique and difficult situation.
I'm 33 and I have a 28 year old girlfriend with a 3 year old daughter, Jane. It's very long distance, I live in Cali and she lives in Eastern Europe. We've been together 2.5 years and trying to get her to USA in the next year-- the whole relationship story is long and complicated.
But what I'm concerned about is some recent developments in the daughter's behavior which are maybe normal, maybe not, I've never been a parent and haven't been around kids much in my life so I just don't know! Jane loves me a lot, and I love her too and I'm very close to her on the visits (6 so far since she was 1) but it's a little complicated for me to know how much like a father I should be to her at this point and how involved I should get because there are some uncertainties with the immigration and sometimes I wonder if my girlfriend is prepared for the "long haul" if that's what it comes to.
Assuming the best and that they will be here with me within a year, I'm wanting to be better prepared as a father.
Jane is now 3.5 years old and while she's very sweet and cute and we play a lot together and have a lot of fun. But she throws temper tantrums at everything, this last visit was far worse than any other time. I guess my first question is what is the normal age range for this kind of behavior? From what I've read, the frequency at this age and intensity should be decreasing rather than increasing. A couple of examples:
1. What concerns me most, is before my girlfriend could leave us alone and go shopping etc. for an hour with no problems. Now, if she leaves us alone for 15 minutes Jane goes hysterical and will cry and scream for 30 minutes if that's how long it is before her mother comes home. It's not like Jane doesn't like me, she's constantly competing for my attention at any other time, and if I go out alone she begs her mom to come with me.
2. When she doesn't get her way. She's addicted to candy and cookies like her mom (who looks terrific despite this habbit which annoys me like crazy). Her mom gives in with candy all the time and I'm pretty sure this is wrong, I won't give Jane candy or cookies ever, that makes my girlfriend a little mad. It's tought because my girlfriend had a very bad father who was rich, but deprived her of everything including basic necessities -- so she's prone to spoil.
3. They sleep together in the same bed, which everything I've read at this age isn't good. When I visit I sleep in the other room. But maybe the opinions I've got on this are exaggerated. Anyway, one great thing is that most of the times Jane will be in bed between 9 and 11 even if she doesn't want to and we can stay up til 4 in the morning in the other room and Jane will never wake up and coming running into the other room demanding attention. At most she'll just sob softly for her mom, get some milk or something and go back to sleep. But I'm wondering what it's going to take to resolve the sleeping situation when they come to live with me.
Your girlfriend should break the sleeping habbit slowly, after the child is alseep, move her to her own bed. Then when it's nap time, lay her down in her own bed so she is used to falling asleep there. I think it would be the quickest way. As to giving into the candy and cookies all the time, it is not healthy for the child. She needs to eat healthier snacks, like sliced apples or maybe oragnes. Something sweet but also good for you. As to the crying when her mom leaves, her mom needs to stay gone, she will settle down. Or distract her when your girlfriend leaves, she won't notice she has left and then when she come back the child shouldn't be crying. Good luck.
