I am at my wits end here. My son is 15 and a very smart kid. He's a great athlete and has a lot going for him.

He has a girlfriend (also 15) who comes from a very dysfunctional family. She is constantly calling here and I finally put a stop to that.

They have been boyfriend and girlfriend for over a year now. I have no problem with him having a girlfriend....I really don't. My problem is that he wants to see her a lot. During the week we limit him and her seeing each other because school work should come first. We let her come here on the weekends for a few hours. They are ALWAYS supervised at our home. The girlfriend's parents are rarely ever home so we have only let our DS go there once when they were having a party for the girlfriend's confirmation. We knew that would be supervised.

My problem is this: My DS seems to think that we are horrible parents for not letting him see this girl a lot more often. We see NO reason for them to hang on each other for more than a few hours a day on the weekends. We encourage them to do group activities and see other friends away from each other. My hubby is gone a lot so much of the discipline about this comes from me. Another problem is when DH is home and DS asks to see his girlfriend and I say no because they already saw each other that day or whatever....my DH will not say a word to stand behind what I say. So, consequently my DS thinks that I am the bad guy. Then of course, he tells the girl that he can't see her and then the girl tells my DS that she's not coming over any more because she thinks I hate her. WTH? This girl has some serious emotional/self esteem problems and somehow always pins this guilt trip on me.

Yesterday, my DS got really angry when he asked to have his girlfriend over. It was late and a school night. So, I told him no. He asked me directly. DH was sitting right there and said nothing after my DS started arguing with me about it. I told DS no again....still DH said nothing. When DS finally left the room, my DH said to me that he didn't want her coming over either. I asked why he didn't stick up for me and say that. He had no answer. This is NOT the first time. I was so angry that I told my DH I am not dealing with this any longer. He'll have to do it since I seem to have all the baggage from this hanging around me. He was not happy.

Today after soccer practice, my DS asked if his girlfriend could come over. I told my DS to talk to his dad about it. His dad was still at work. I told him to call his dad there and talk to him. My DH asked to talk to me. He was mad that he had to deal with this while he was working and I told him that I warned him yesterday that I was done dealing with it. He finally told my DS that his girlfriend could come over for an hour. My DS had a total fit!!!

I finally sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that we are the bosses and not him. I'm tired of him being disrespectful to me and treating me like a piece of dirt. He got even angrier and accused me of "making" his dad be the way he is about this situation and that if it weren't for me, he'd have his girlfriend here more often. His reasoning for thinking that is because my DH never speaks up about things....even when he agrees with me about the situation.

I ended up leaving the house to sort my thougts because I became really angry and ended up losing my cool. Before I left, my DS told me that he was never speaking to me again. Well, that really, really hurt. Bad.

Like I said, I'm at my wits end here. I seem to always be the bad guy and this all ends up being on me. My DH works a lot of hours and I am usually the one dealing with this on my own. I'm tired of it. I have no idea what to do from here.

I'm sorry this is so long but I need suggestions as to what to do. If you have any suggestions, I'd really appreciate them. Thank you in advance.

I have a teenager like that too, but I pretty much let her do what she wants (within limits) as long as she keeps her grades up. We don't let her go to parties unsupervised and she's not allowed to date yet, so she and her friends will go to the mall and meet her other friends (some boys) there.

I guess it comes down to trust. We've made good grades her job and it's worked so far, but she's a really good girl underneath it all, very sweet.

What if you gave your son some extra privileges since he is getting older in exchange for getting good grades and making good decisions otherwise? It would seem to me that the tighter you hold those reins, the more they are going to fight it.

Mom of 3
I do MT at home
www.mtacc.net

hey, i think you are fair enough to want to supervise your son and not let him have his gf every night, that sort of thing but it seems you are perhaps being a little bit restrictive with it all. are your sons grades good? perhaps you can make a deal with him where you let his gf come over 1 or 2 extra nights a week, for an hour as long as he agrees to keep his grades up, any hint of them dropping and the time spent together at your house will go back to how it was before. you mentioned that you stopped her calling, that is a bit harsh and it will make him want to see her even more. A few phone calls a week for a limited time might help to curb his anger at not being allowed to see her more often. Barring her from calling the house is also more likely to fuel her belief that you hate her and if she doesnt feel welcome in her boyfriends house then they are more likely to go hang out somewhere else unsupervised! maybe you should think about letting your son hang out at her house once or twice too, just to demonstrate that you do trust him (but call the girls parents first to see that they are home of course). It is good that they do group activities and see other friends but of course it is natural that they will want to hang out with each other more than anyone-going out for over a year is a pretty serious commitment and maybe your son feels that you don't take this seriously or are trivialising the importance of this relationship to him. sitting down and ordering him or telling him that you are the boss is not likely to work because he will just feel that he is powerless and that what he wants counts for nothing. it will make him even more angry and resentful to you. so i would suggest sitting down and talking adult to adult with your son, as he nearly is one now. suggest some compromises that you can both agree on and let him know that you do trust and respect him, but do remind him that this works both ways and that trust and respect have to be earnt, not demanded (that goes for you as well!) i hope this has been some help, good luck

I should probably clarify a few things.

I do let her call the house. I stopped her from calling here 6-8 times a day. That's what I meant. She can call here just not constantly. They are allowed to talk to each other on the phone one day for about 20 minutes to 1/2 an hour or so and the next day they can see each other during the week. The night they see each other is for an hour or maybe two. It just depends on homework. DS has soccer practice after school and doesn't get home until after 5:00. By the time we eat, do homework or whatever else, then he can have her over for a while. The weekends we allow a little more time together.

Yesterday alone, she called here twice before he even got home from practice. She KNOWS what time he gets home and she called 45 minutes before he gets home and again 1/2 hour before he gets home. This is the kind of thing that is grating on my nerves. She stopped calling her constantly for a while and then I can see it starting again.

He does get good grades....so I don't mind rewarding him with things. The thing is....the time that we do allow him/her together isn't enough according to them. I don't think at 15 years of age they need to be together constantly.....just the two of them. They need to be with friends other than each other. I don't feel it's healthy to have to hang on each other all the time.

I'm actually going to take this one from my standpoint...when I was young, of course! My parents were pretty strict with me in some ways. And I still feel that they could have been a little less strict. But remembering back, I know that when they told me that I was not allowed to do something that I knew they were just being strict about, I either tried to or did it anyway. It's the rebellion in you. You need to set limits but you also need to learn how to trust them. Of course, the first time they break that trust, it goes downhill from there. Set a night curfew instead of saying they can only see each other for a half an hour. And leave it at that. But as soon as his grades go down, then things have to change and let him know that. I think you saying that THEY only have a certain time together isn't going to work. It's only going to make them want to spend more time together. If you set a night curfew rather, then I think that may work. But the more you tell them that they only have a certain time together, the more they want to be together. And I do remember that's the way it is...because I had a high school love and my parents did what you did and it only made us want to see each other more. It ended up turning into a pretty ugly picture.
Anyway, I hope this has helped some and not confused you more! Good luck and take care!

They see each other for more than 1/2 an hour. The 1/2 hour thing is talking on the phone. When they see each other it's for a couple of hours at a time. Weekends it's more time than that.

During school nights by the time he gets home from practice, we eat and do homework it's 7:30 or so. If she comes over then we let her stay until 9 or so. Her parents don't drive her. She walks here....it's nearly a mile. We usually end up driving her home because her parents won't pick her up and I don't want her walking alone that far that late at night. A 15 year old girl all by herself in the dark for a mile is not my idea of a safe venture.

Her parents are rarely home. IF they are not working, they are at the bar drinking with friend. These are her words....not mine. She is constantly saying that her parents drink like fishes. If they're not at the bar drinking....they're home drinking like crazy. If the kids go anywhere as a group....I do the driving for the most part. There is one other mom that drives, too. But this gal's parents never offer....and since she says they drink like that....I'd rather drive than take the chance they're drunk and my kid is in the car.

Shelly,
Sounds like you have your hands full. My suggestion is to help her find an Ala-Teen group. It is for kids who have problem drinkers in their lives. They meet to talk about it and share coping strategies. Hopefully there is one close by at a local school or church. Check the web. They usually post meeting times and locations there. She definitely needs someone to talk to and seems to be making your home her home.

I would be concerned about the amount of time your son spends with her, since they are so young and the hormones are raging, particularly since he is a 15 year old boy.

BTW....thank you all for your input. I appreciate it.

Shelly