thanks for your reply and advice. i think i was misleading in that they aren't actually being violent, just saying really crazy stuff that i've never heard before.
they both just started school and so will hopefully find friends that i can invite to play (although our things are still in a container so the toys are minimal). We are also in the process of researching the extra activities, quite a task to juggle the timetable so that they can both do what they want to.
and we did have a better evening yesterday, so hopefully we are back on the up. thanks again for taking the time to reply. Nadine