This is a very delicate issue especially when it comes to the children and the dramatic changes they've had to adjust to. Kids are very sensitive. They are probably at the point where the don't call her anything because I guarantee you they are stressed about it. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and they feel someone will get hurt no matter what they do. They would also feel awkward calling her mom. They might feel like they are betraying their mother by doing this. My advice to you is to talk with them alone and let them know that they can call your wife by her name and that would be fine with both of you. This does not mean that they feel any different about her, it is whatever they feel comfortable with. Maybe in the future, they will want to call her mom or not. But the real question is, how important is this issue compared to the relationship all of you have together? You sound like a good father with sincere care and love for his children and you are all lucky to have each other. Enjoy it!

Thank you for your advice yasbeck. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry, I left out an important bit of information. We just had a baby. This does increase the importance for the kids to call her "Mom" because when the baby gets old enough to talk we would like all of our kids to refer to us as Mom and Dad. I have talked to them but still not much of a response. When they write cards, letters etc., they always refer to her as Mom but just won't say it! Isn't it right to want all the kids to refer to us as Mom & Dad? What else can I say to them? They Love and miss their Mom greatly but how can I get them to move on? I don't want to ignore this which seems like what they want to do. Any more advice by anybody??

charlie,
Having a baby has nothing to do with the way your children feel. This sounds like its an issue with you and your wife and not the children (we would like all of our kids to refer to us as Mom and Dad). Who is we? This should come naturally to them and not asked of them. Everyone deals with death in different ways but just because they don't want to call a different person "mom" doesn't mean they haven't moved on. My mom and dad divorced almost 20 years ago. I know divorce is not the same as death but to children the effects are very similar. My mom and dad remarried to very wonderful people. I call my dad's wife by her name and my dad has never asked me otherwise. That has always been very comforting to me. My mother has asked me to refer to her husband as "dad". To me, I have that name reserved for one person and that's that. It's not that I don't think he deserves it, he is wonderful man and he gives my mother everything she has always deserved and more. He makes her very happy. But calling him "dad" doesn't come natural to me and that's not my fault or anyone else's. He is fine with me calling him by his name and I respect that. My mom still would like me to call him dad and that is uncomfortable. On the other hand, my sister has no problem calling him dad. I believe it depends on each person's comfort level and that should not be invaded. Now, eventually when your baby is older you will have to explain the two mothers situation and children are smart, he will understand. Sorry for the long reply but I really hope this helps you come to a conclusion that is benefial and healthy for the everyone involved.

I agree with Yasbeck don't push your girls to call your wife Mum. I lost my mum a few years ago and I could never ever call anyone else Mum, it just would not be right for me.

Your girls might call your wife mum in time but let it be their decision, this might never happen and if this is case just be supportive, accepting and understanding. I am sure your girls don't mean to offend your wife it is just no one is ever going to replace their mother. It is so hard to lose your mother.

I don't see a problem when the new baby arrives. Just because they don't call your wife Mum doesn't mean they have less respect for her, it is just a reflection of a different relationship. It should not be a huge issue.

This is not easy territory because, obviously, for you to lose your wife and your children to lose their mom is a very big event indeed. I doubt you or your children are through it. And that is the point. We do get into all kinds of pickles when we try to make our present circumstances meet needs in the past. We all do it everyday and I think this is what is happening here. I have seen this quite a lot in my work. Let’s say that when your wife died you decided to be strong, decided that what your children must be going through in losing their mum is too unbearable for you to feel. So, giving it your best shot, you decided that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and you made this big effort to move on. It is a psychological truth to say that to the extent you did not let yourself go through the natural grieving process, your children will act it out on your behalf. So what I am suggesting is that you may have accepted you lost your first wife [though I sense not], but you have not accepted that your children have lost their mum. And these feelings, unacknowledged and unresolved in you, are what your children are showing you. The more you push the situation, the worse it will become, the more you resist their feelings, the stronger they will become. They are actually helping you see where there is still pain and grief to go through. It's about you. A hero of mine is Elizabeth Kubler Ross, she called this Unfinished Business. Hope this helps. Opening to your feelings, giving your children permission to do the same, letting go..all this is healthy. Layers of this issue will come up for years from time to time. You new wife will be amazed at your wisdom and maturity!!

I really think you need to let the children decide on there own if they want to call her mom. Yes, she has been there however these kids my still be hiding feelings from there real mother's death. Tell the kids that you understand that they are having a hard time with this and that whatever they decide to call her name or by mom it is fine with you. They will come around and someday call her mom. You just need to wait until the time is right for them. I hope this helps.