Greetings,
I am a newlywed, married to a wonderful woman who came to this marriage with a 6.5 year old boy from a prior relationship (never married, dad spilt the scene). We have a faith-filled relationship that keeps us grounded and I love her with all my heart.
As you can imagine, my blending into this "dyad" was challenging but my son, paul,has opened his arms wide to the notion of a present father and my wife has slowly detached from an understandable enmeshed type of relationship (given that no man was in her life substantively speaking)
We got married in January, and I am proud to say that she is pregnant, due in November. All is well. however, last night she made a comment that hurt and cut me to the bone. Specifically, it was related to apparent "preferential treatment" I am giving to my dog over hers and how she is praying profusely that I don't favor this baby over paul. I couldn't belive what I heard.
And so, being the logical man, I first said to myself: well, this is utterly absurd! sure, i dote on the dog i brought into the marriage (versus hers which is not a cuddly dog even to her) but i do not see the parallel----especially since the only human parallel of substance is the love, that she would agree, i have given unconditionally to Paul, her biological son, my soon to be adopted son that i love unconditinally as my own.
And so, i must say that it made me feel like I am about to begin a "catch 22" when this baby is born. That love showed to this baby will be contrasted and compared with nonstop when it comes to my lovey-dovey beahvior,or lack there of in your eyes, to paul. Making me not anticipate with joy my baby.
Help....
am i wrong for feeling that most people would see her comparison of dogs to humans here uttlerly inane and crazy, esp. since the more viable comparison of how i'd be (paul) is more of an indicator? what the hell is going on? very confused and she is very defensive and won't here anything i say. Which is why I wanted to grab someone else's opinion...so she sees it is not just me being biased.
can you write me at ConsultingDoc3@aol.com with your thoughts and advice?
She is right to account for this variable. She is not accusing you. Women tend to multitask better than men, and they do it when in important matters, they look at the grand scheme of things and then take into account what unknown/thought variables could negatively "pop-up", and infiltrate her vision/plan as a mother withing your family unit dynamic. Sometimes men feel women are being negative when, after they have a basic vision in mind, they often only verbalize these possible negatives. Do not take it personally, it is DATA. And the only correct responce you can give her...is all reasons you can think of to prevent that variable happening. This will reassure her. It is a flat out FACT, that even kind, well meaning people who think they got it under control...interact with their own biological children "better" than step children. PERIOD! And dont fool yourself into thinking you are aware and above this. All you can do is just be humble and aware at all times. You'll see! Oh I also suggest studying gods instruction of husband/wife roles. Study Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs to make sure you cover all these (in concrete/abstract ways) in your children. And a "discipline" method by Dr Thomas W. Phelan titled 1-2-3 Magic:Encouraging good behavior/managing difficult behavior in children. Let me know if this helps.
I have a blended family and it was hard at first to let someone else into what I had held by myself for so long..It's hard to trust someone else will truely care and treat your child the same as their own.The dogs are just an analogy for the real question which is will you still love my child as much as "our" child.She also is tackling the question or thought of how to keep her son feeling like he's first.
Maybe you can do stuff together to help when the baby comes,say going to the store with Paul ,making dinner for the family.She will need lots of rest and helping with Paul will be a big help..
Good Luck and congrats;)
