Well I want to thank all that responded to my dilema. I will let you know that I am the parent that believes that ASK is the right way !

Thankyou! You have affirmed to me that I was making the better decision!

Please have faith, and watch the video called 123 Magic! It sounds corney but it is a great "cooperation method". Tape one is about "start behavior" Tape two is for "stop behavior"

Hi, My child does not react to kind questions and honestly I have tried. I really do not know what to do about it, I am getting so desperate I sometimes end up crying. Its nice to say "Please darling, could you sit down and finish your food" or "Please do not open the door until I am dressed, because ...bla bla bla", but after saying it again and again as kindly as possible and still no eating or the door being opened regardless of my explanation, I cannot handle it any longer and the inevitable shout or spank comes out. I hate reacting this way myself, and I end up in a mess, guilty and upset.
What can I do? Should I just leave her without food until she's hungry, or until her next meal, or should I get her something else? should I allow her to open the door? No matter how hard I try it seems to get worse and worse. And she's now starting to answer back ...

Get hold of the book I recommended Discipline without Shouting or Spanking it is really good. It gives you some strategies to use. Going mental is just going to give you hypertension and an early grave.

Take care we all get frustrated you are not alone kids are constantly testing the limits.