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16 year old daughter

It's my first time on this site so I hope this works!

I need some advice about my teenage daughter. She is 16 and very aggessive to everyone in our family. I told her that I didn't want her to go to her boyfriends this weekend because she would have to use public transport but when I went out she packed her stuff and left.
I phoned his mum to ask if she was there and to ask her to come home but instead she told my daughter that she can stay there as long as she likes.
Her father phoned her this morning and my daughter began shouting at him down the phone that she hates her siblings and us and she hates living with us and always has. She then said that we have always treated her differently to the other children, who are 14 and 12.
I want her to come home and discuss what her problems are but I am not sure how to get her to listen to me.
Has anyone else had this problem I am at my wits end with worry so any advice would be great.

Thanks for reading my post

Re: 16 year old daughter

I was that problem for my mother!!! First of all, I can tell you that it's not personal. She is trying to find her freedom and her footing and she feels like she can't do that with you - for whatever reason. I would let her go - she will come back. The more you hound her the more she will not want to talk. My mom just let me go and before long - I was back and she didn't judge me or keep reminding me what I did - I was 17 at the time - but she just loved me anyway. And left me alone to find out what I needed to find. My mom and I are like best friends and have been for 10+ years. I am 31 now and if there is one thing I appreciate is the fact that she had the strength and wisdom to let me go. I know this is not probably what you want to hear - but I promise it will help. You have to let her go and be okay with whatever the outcome will be - she is her own person and contrary to popular belief, although parents mean well, they do not always know what's best.

Re: 16 year old daughter

Hi Rebecca
Thank you so much for your comments which I do take on board.
I don't think I would be so worried about my daughter if it wasn't for where she is staying and that she is so immature for her age.
Her boyfriends mother can fly into a rage at the drop of a hat and has made my daughter cry before now, so it really hurts when she now says that she is happier there than at home.
I phoned her last night and she was night fishing with her boyfriend and said that they would be staying in a tent for the night (I did manage to stay cool and not question her). She said that she was going to come home on Thursday evening anyway because she has an interview for the college on Friday.
Now my problem is that we are going away on Saturday (her boyfriend was supposed to be coming too, mainly because she went into one about him coming) I'm not sure I can be civil to him for two weeks though and my 14 year old says that if he is coming then she is not.
I have asked my daughter to come home on Wednesday evening instead so that we can clear the air and come to some compromise before we go away on Saturday morning.
I am trying to stay cool over it because I never did make up with my own mum and left home to get married at 19 although I was a lot more mature than my daughter.
Once she starts college and her part-time job I will feel happier about letting her do her own thing but at the moment she just wants to be allowed to sit over the field with her friends until midnight which I feel leaves her in danger (her friends are happy to hang out at our house while go out or watch tv upstairs but again she says no)
The last thing I want to do is lose my daughter but in the same token I don't want to be held to ransom and end up with her walking out each time we have a dispute.
I know I have been rambling on and you are probably sorry that you answered my post but at least here I can get it off my chest without upsetting anyone!!

Re: Re: 16 year old daughter

Gosh! I can't imagine what I put my mom through. She sounds a lot like me!!! I was stubborn and really believed I knew what I was doing. I think she'll be fine. I know it must be scary - but you can't make her be home - so you have to find a way to find peace no matter what.

As for the boyfriend - I know my mom would draw the line. She would not let my boyfriend come just to make me happy - she would have had the rules and either I dealt with them or I didn't. If you deal with your daughter out of fear or guilt - she will always hold the power. Forgive yourself for whatever happened in the past with your daughter and your own mother. Don't let your experience color how you treat your daughter. She will take and take if you allow it. Have your rules for your home - and she can either live by them or not. She will figure out that you love her - not to worry.

Your daughter is going to do what she wants. She is a powerful creator here trying to make sense of what's going on and finding her own power. You do not help her in the mission by letting her walk all over you. (not saying you do - just general advice) She needs to respect you. And you can just lay ground rules - nothing extravegant - but ground rules. I left my mom's house when I was 17 and I knew that I had to make it. It made me come back to reality much quicker than if I was allowed to continue doing what I was doing.

While it may seem like you'll feel better when she's in college with a job - you will have even less control. Just make peace with it now and let it go...she will be fine!!

Re: 16 year old daughter

Oh dear
I spoke to my daughter on the phone last night, before you had posted your message and she agreed to me picking her up from her boyfriends so that we could come home and try to sort things out. I know I shouldn't have but the pull was too strong.
She asked her boyfriend his address because she didn't know and he said that he couldn't remember and burped down the phone. Although he did eventually tell her.
My hope is that if I can get her home away from him putting in his two penny worth she may see what a twerp he is. He is 18 and his mother still buys all of his clothes otherwise he punches holes in the doors at home! Although now his mother has suggested that she stays in their garden to talk until she is happy to leave with me.
I have a feeling that I am going to need all the help I can get with this one my daughter seems infatuated with this boy and he is playing on it along with his mother.
Wish me luck and I will post later but hopefully your comments (as long as I read them first) could be the saviour of our relationship.

Re: Re: 16 year old daughter

I know that sometimes the urges are so strong that you have to reach out and you know what? It shows that you are a human and you love your daughter. You don't want to be robotic about this. Be easy about it. One thing you can't do is turn her against her boyfriend. Please don't try!! It will not go over well. Boys are something that have to be learned individually - there are not enough words or examples that can change your daughter's mind - especially coming from you because you are her mom. Let her go this road. I was involved with a 'twit' of a guy at the time I was gone as well and boy what a teacher he was. After the 4 years of madness I thanked him for teaching me what I wanted out of a man. These are lessons that we would like to impart - because we remember the pain - but we cannot because nothing teaches like life experience when it comes to those 'twits'.

You are such a good mom - I can tell. You love your daughter and she will remember and hold on to that love. She will know what real love feels like thanks to you - trust in what you have instilled in her so far. She will come back around - but sometimes you have to get lost to be found and that's just the trails and tribulations of being a teen.

Good luck! Remember - nothing about the boyfriend to her! It will only make it worse and make her feel like you don't understand and she will not talk to you about it. She'll shut down more. Be on her side and tell her you believe in her. Remind her of how much you love her and the wonderful things she's done in her lifetime....

Re: 16 year old daughter

Didn't get to post yeaterday because I went to pick up my daughter and she came home and I managed to be civil to the boyfriend!
Great I was thinking but now she is saying if we don't let her go on holiday with him abroad she will go to his again and his mum is not going to ask her for a penny for her staying there.
The mother phoned last night to speak to her and I said she was out (which was true she had gone to her friend's house) and she put the phone down. She text my daughter asking if she was happy and that they missed her and the dog has been searching the house for her!
My daughter told me that she has been so happy at his house because his mother has been taking them out for meals most nights and since she turned 16, they are allowed to share a room, because she trusts them and apparently I don't and I am out of touch with the modern world.

We have been up most of the night trying to sort out where we can go from here (her father was on night shift) but every five minutes she go a text from the boyfriend asking her if she is going to go on holiday with him and the mother, who once again will be paying for it, (i'd like to know where she gets all this money from) which upset her and so we had to more or less start again.
Not sure where to go from here. If I say yes to her going on holiday in two weeks time is the demon mother going to work on her again and turn her against me more? I can see why she likes my daughter so much she has been a brilliant influence on her son and he has turned over several new leaves since they met, it's just a shame it has had a bad effect on my daughter, especially now she hates her brother and sister.
Maybe I should give her a break and let her go, it's not her I don't trust it is everyone else and plus they seem to want to keep her like some sort of trophie!
I only met one 'twit' during my boyfriends phase and my dad scared him off very quickly!

Maybe in years to come we will be able to laugh at all this but at the moment it is making me ill with worry. God bless your mum she must be a stronger woman than me!!
Will try to post later, this is beginning to turn into a tv programme. Sorry, to everyone else they will not have room to post soon.

If all else fails I will be here to pick up the pieces anyway and she did say she loved me after I said it to her yesterday.

Here's hoping!

Re: 16 year old daughter

Hi Rebecca
Just a quick post to say that everything is going better. I am taking my daughter's friend (girl) away with us today for a week by the coast and she seems settled, although I have met her half way and agreed to her going away with her boyfriend and his mother for a week also by the coast, but she has accepted not going abroad with him and told him she cannot get time off work (her idea not mine).
She has also decided that she will go to college and carry on with her studies (also her idea not mine). Hopefully in time she will see what a no hoper the boyfriend is and drop him or maybe he will change but if not I will accept him back into the family and get on with it. Although I have never said anything horrible to her about him anyway. Her partner in life was always going to be her decision, whether we like them or not, but her family want to be in her life aswell!
So I will keep it short, well short for me anyway, but I wanted to send you my heart felt thanks for your comments I have taken them all on board and will put them to good use however hard I may find it to do!

Thank goodness I found this website it will definately be in my favourites box for future reference!

Re: Re: 16 year old daughter

I am so glad to hear that things went well. She will always love you and sometimes you stepping back helps her to make the decisions she really wants to make instead of her making them just to assert her independance and prove something to you. I am very glad all is well!!! Be easy about it...sounds like you're doing great!!!

Re: 16 year old daughter

O.k, My first question is "what the hell is wrong with you people? we're talking about a 16 y/o girl here. I dont know British law , but here in the U.S. what her buyfriends mother is doing would be called "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" 2nd You are her parent, not her buddy and not her friend . 3rd her loser boyfriend is 18 again, not sure of the law there, but here thats called statutory rape.

Not trying to belittle you, but I personally feel that we as parents Coddle and bend to our children to the point that they are in charge, not us. I too have a 16 year old daughter, she lives 600 miles away with her mother ( who gives in to her every wish) I am a 39 year old grandfather. ( scary huh?) her mom lets her go away with her boyfriend also. I have always been the discipliarian for my daughter but she listens to me, for instance, her milquetoast mom calls and tells me she cant get Cara to do her home work, then she puts her on the phone with me and all it takes is a simple , " get it done now!" her mom always says " I wish she would listen to me like that" there is no secret or magic to it. I've established the ground rules and drew the line that wont be crossed.

Parent, Please discipline your kids ( discipline, not beat) before they are to far gone to bring back.

Re: 16 year old daughter

First of all I don't think there is anything wrong with my parenting skills and secondly not all children are the same. So whilst I thank you for your comments I don't think that you can critisise until you are in the situation yourself!

I have always had very firm rules in my house and been told by my peers that I am too strict with all of my children, but I have had no problems with homework or being home late, if I say a time to be in they must be there or face the consequences so maybe it is my fault that one of them is rebelling.
British law states that it is legal for a sixteen year old to leave home aslong as they are living in a place where they are not in danger, i.e. on the streets or around drugs etc. The police have told me there is nothing I can do unless she wants to come home and anyway if she is made to return I could be doing all this again in a few weeks.
As for statutory rape sixteen is the legal age in Britain for sex (although she tells me she has not).

Also what do you do if your daughter packs her stuff while you are out and goes without telling anyone. I cannot be with her 24/7.
Although her father wants to go and sort it out face to face and have it out with the mother and the boyfriend which I must agree was my first thought. I think that we must be quite devious during this time and make her want to return home otherwise I think we will alienate her even more.