I have a delightful 4-year-old, very affectionate, extremely charming and usually very mellow. But if you break one of his routines only the slightest bit, he often has a complete meltdown... from how we brush his teeth to how to prepare his cereal. It amazes me since my husband and I are pretty casual, easy-going people (granted, my husband can be pretty anal with certain things, though). Now the teachers at his preschool say that he does the same things there. Yesterday he was dissolved to tears because someone placed a toy in a different spot than he thought it should go in.

I can't explain this rigid behavior. He's not that bad at home; the teachers say this behavior has gotten more extreme recently.

Could my husband cause this behavior in my son? Or is it normal for a child his age? (He's my only child, so I don't have much experience with other kids.)

Hi Sylvia
4 year olds! Who'd have them! I can only compare your situation with one of my friends sons. He sounds very like yours but he does like to have his own way. My friends are also very laid back and I have wondered if their little boy is like this because he has been used to being "in control" - being able to have things his own way in most situations. He is also an only child. Most of the time they don't rock the boat because they are quite happy for him to do things his own way, however, when this isn't possible e.g.his clothes don't feel comfortable, or his toast isn't cut the way he wants it, he has a meltdown. Our friends' child is having similar problems in school too, and they were told that their child was very happy and content most of the time, until things aren't going his way e.g. not being able to sit with his best friend like he "always" did. The teacher felt that he wasn't used to dealing with a direct, "No". Does this sound similar at all? I hope you don't mind my input and I hope you manage to get the situation resolved soon.

Hi Sylvia
I didn't really get as far as offering any practical advice because I wasn't sure if your situations were similar or whether you felt that "being in control" was the issue.

I am reading a good book at the moment called, "The Science of Parenting" and it offers some really good practical advice. It has some good advice on dealing with inappropriate behaviours.

Perhaps you could contact the school and ask for their input and their thoughts into why these outburst occur at school. They may be able to advise you on what you could do to help the situation.
Best wishes.

This is totally normal with some children and people in general. One of my boys is the same. I go a head and make sure everything I do for him is exactly as he wants it. In day-care he will face reality where it won't work for him as easily and that's good. Read, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It helped me so much.

The fact that you are easy going does not guarantee that your child will be the same. It is often the other way around. It is not your husband's fault either. It is not a fault. it is just how he is. Love him as he is. Don't give him a message that something is wrong. He will face the limitations of it along life.