I am going to try to sum all of this up as shortly as possible. I have a 10 year old step daughter. She has major behavior problems examples; stealing from me her father grandmother and stores, she tells adults (father,strangers) to Shut UP, calls people (complete strangers fools ej. in Walmart and a lady tells her how beautiful her hair is her response "quit looking at me you fool" I was so embarased all I could say is she is not my child (that made me feel so bad),she is very rude to not just my mother but her own grandparents as well.

Her mother is the big problem,she allows her to RULE her household and thinks that is is cute for her to speak with dis-respect. We get Brigette (step child) every other weekend. It seems that it's getting worse!

I am pregnant and worried! Before my husband and I met people we both knew warned me about is unruly daughter. But I have stayed out of it when she would mis behave I would let her father know while she was at the house but not around. He also sees the things she says and does. He really did not punish her he would just tell her you know better and kiss and hug her,not showing her that is was really wrong by taking a privelage away. We have talked about this problem a LOT. He knows he has to be more of a parent and not skip around serious issues just because she is here only 2 x's a month. The baby is almost here now and I am beginning to get really concerned about these issues b/c they are not really going away. I do not want my child to be around another child that is a bad example, and to think my child can get away with the same things. I know it's to early for a baby to even know whats going on but I am afraid that if it dosent get worked on now, I will have a very bad teen around a child by the time my child gets old enough. I am really concerned about all of this. I would be baby or not.

This past weekend we talked to Brigette about trading bedrooms because the room she is in now is bigger than the other one and I have alot of baby funiture to put in the room. We did not want her to feel like she is being put second. So we told her that she could pick out any color paint she wanted and we would get her new things that she wanted for her new bedroom. One thing about the bedroom switching is that when she comes over she never goes in her own bedroom (the one that is going to be the baby's) she sleeps in the living room and does not go in her room at all. We tried to be really sensitive about her feelings and she was all excited about it we had fun and went to Home depot to pick out paints and some extra things for her new bedroom. When she got home she told her mother that she was getting booted out and she felt like she was being treated second. Her mother called my husband while he was at work and cusses him out and says we are treating her like a step child and we were so wrong for doing that. well she went on and on about it to my husband yelling and screaming on the phone. HE told her that with all of the funiture for the baby there was no WAY it would all fit in the other bedroom. and that Brigette NEVER uses her room anyways. I was really upset about all of this because we have worked soooo hard on making her feel included, I even put her some thing on my registry's so when she was at the showers she would not feel left out or forgotten. She does not appreciate it because her response to me was "I don't care i would get stuff anyways" It is soo hard to continue to be sensitive to her when she has absoutley NO RESPECT for any one and never has, in the last 5 years (I have been in the pic for 2 and 1/2 years.)
I know this is alot of combination problems but I need some kind of advice or something.PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Well the attitude 'don't care I'm going to get things anyway' really sums it up as I'm sure you already now, and its a bit like banging your head against a brick wall when she's got 12 days of mum letting her get away with it all and 2 of you trying to do something about it.
I get the impression she has you pandering her to help her feel included, and I'm sure she's revelling in it all. It sounds like she has total control over you and left you too scared to say anything that might upset her tender little heart (being sarcastic there). Perhaps a little honesty might not go amiss, ie I think your a spoilt little madam and I'm not doing anything for you until you show me some respect!

Dad clearly needs to toughen up to her and maybe the prospect of his second child picking up her ways will be enough for him to buck up his ideas.

I'm sorry thats not much advice

Go ellie! I agree with ellie ( again...)but also, kids live with several different sets of rules, and it might be time for you and your hubby to set some for her at your house. One set of rules for school, one for whatever sport she plays, one for her mums and one for your house... she can cope with that, she really can.If you try to align your rules, to a point, with similar ones at school, you are halfway there, they teach respect, turns, manners etc and have consequences to match, they are trained and experienced to teach young people, so use it to your advantage. If you contact the school, ask for a copy of rules or their discipline policy, there is a starting place, and the school will know you are making an effort, therefore support you. Obviously your set of rules will not be identical, I think you and your partner need to decide on what you (singly, and together) should and shouldn't do as far as disciplining her, and a set of rules....enforced.


All the very best of luck...
jen

I have a step son that we have had problems with as well. When a parents only sees thier child a little bit they tend to want to be easier on them. But sometimes that is not the answer. My step son came to live with us about 2 years ago. Before that we only had him every other weekend. He was so disrespectful. After he came to live with us we figured we needed to do something more. We got him counseling. The counselor suggested we think short term. He had us pick a few things My step son liked to do most (tv,video games,etc) and use those as his "reward" for being good. If he was disrespectful and mouthy or in trouble we took all of those "rewards" away for that day. The next day he got to start off fresh. We would give him a warning at first then the rewards were gone. If he got mad we just simply said "you knew the rules and you decided not to follow them, but tomorrow is another chance". It worked for us.